louisa

Berlin

15/9/2008 / louisa / 1 Comment

I went to Berlin with Team Brightbox last week (1st-5th September) and as much as KLM conspired to make it otherwise, I had a great time.

It took almost 24 hours to get there with the quote-unquote “Reliable Airline” because the flight between Leeds-Bradford and Amsterdam was delayed, causing us to miss the last connecting flight onto Berlin. Cue four tired, sweaty hysterical people trying to maximise our return at a “participating bar and restaurant” at the airport after being given “we’re sorry we messed up” vouchers worth 10euros a piece (we scored two glasses of champagne, a “luxury” mojito, a cola beverage and two giant slices of chocolate truffle cake). We then had an indescribable meal at the airport hotel and about three hours sleep before catching our onward flight to Paris at dawn the next morning.

Paris? Yes, because all the Amsterdam-Berlin flights were booked up so we had to go via Paris. And we found out when we finally reached Berlin that my suitcase liked it in France so much, they decided to stay there for an extra day. Sigh.
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Navigating the fictional but real world

25/8/2008 / louisa / 0 Comments

In Liverpool in 1998, I bought a book from a publisher clearance style bookshop called ‘The Breeders Box‘.

It’s set, primarily, in New York, around Greenwich Village – where I have never been – and for the first four, five times I read it, I had to imagine what the area looked like, how the streets fitted together and where things were in relation to each other.

The last time I read it – a couple of years ago – I realised I could look up the area on Google Maps and I could navigate all around, looking at the positions of stuff and blurry satellite photos of the tops of buildings.

This time I read it, I went back onto Google Maps, looked up the area then clicked for the street view – I could see the shapes for all the buildings in the area then plonk my little guy down where, say, the fictional eponymous club was on Spring St and look at the street itself, both sides and moving back and forth along the road.

I wonder how I’ll be able to interact with the real version of the fictional world in another ten years time.

How to grow your own cats: a beginner’s guide

22/7/2008 / louisa / 0 Comments

Cats are easy to grow, even in a reasonably exposed north-facing garden like ours – but benefit from early propagation in a greenhouse (see left).

When the cat is ready to be planted on, pick a large pot to give the cat sufficient room to root/curl up (see right top).

Cats are reasonably hardy but can be infected with the “evil virus”. If that occurs, remove the cat from the pot (to avoid cross-contamination) and leave it to “dry out” on an old doormat (see right bottom – tell tale evil signs can be seen, namely the staring eyes, the fact her head is on backwards and the slightly manic “I’m going to eat your soul” expression). The evil is usually eradicated/forgotten about within a few minutes and the cat’s growth will continue as normal again.

Cats will raise from the curled/lying position as they grow until they reach their final height (typically around 40cm). Cats who have been infected with evil early in the growth stage may retain a rather hunched appearance and maintain the soul-eating gaze. In actual fact, they don’t eat souls, they prefer Go Cat. And tuna.

Louisa and the cats make a new shopping bag

17/6/2008 / louisa / 2 Comments

STEP 1
Take an old pillowcase, or in my case an new-to-me-but-old pillowcase, purchased for a very cheap price from a local charity shop. Get a cat (in this case Sili) to inspect it for quality and cleanliness.

STEP 2
See this picture of a pillowcase shopping bag on the internetz.

STEP 3
Find the instructions the red bag lady used to make hers.

STEP 4
As directed, fold in half along the diagonal, pin and cut. Do a better job than I did then have a cat expect your handy work. If you didn’t do a better job than I did, expect the cat to stalk off in disgust (a la Carbon).

STEP 5
Turn the pieces inside out (everything is pretty much done on the wrong side from here on in) then ask the nearest cat (still Carbon) to help fold and pin all the diagonals for hemming. You may think the cat is in the way but you are wrong: they’re making sure you don’t get too over-eager with the folding and that you listen to Martha and fold it in twice, about 5mm a time. Cats are stickler for detail and have claws to make sure you follow their instructions, even when they’re so disgusted with your efforts that they can barely look at you.

STEP 5a
Brief pause for a quick tickle with Carbon because, let’s face it, you’re not going to get any more work done while he’s in this mood.

Summer in Armley

7/5/2008 / louisa / 2 Comments

The street is silent
Except for one girl screaming:
“I hate you, you fat fuck”

Like birdsong, with swearing
The girl grounded, the door locked
The fat fuck will slap her, she will.

All the words I’ve spoken* today

30/3/2008 / louisa / 1 Comment

(* to another human, conversations with cats are excluded as they’re too verbose and frequently revoltingly soppy)

“Not while I’ve been here.”
“Dayrider please.”
“Thanks.”
“Just that please.”
“Thanks.”
“Thanks.”
“I don’t need a bag.”
“Thanks.”
“Just this.”
“Thanks.”
“No, thanks.”
“Do you go down Town Street?”
“Armley Town Street.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll put the lemonade in here so that bag isn’t too heavy.” (Said bag split open anyway, shopping went everywhere, shitty Somerfield bags.)

Word count = 46
Thanks count = 7
Thanks/word ratio = 1:6.6

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